Well it’s that time of the year again. Summer has ended, and many look at Fall in the same way people look at the guy on his phone in the elevator. Regardless of this disdain some (namely myself) have for fall, one thing makes me happy: the summer song period has ended. As I touched on in our last installment of summer song reviews, our culture’s bastardized musical tastes tend to not only focus on a few songs during the summer months, but also use them as anthems for (usually) morally questionable behavior that occurs in this time period. (Bear in mind that “morally questionable” isn’t limited to those going to clubs, etc. Just stop being a tool and you’ll be good). With that here comes a look at this year’s stupidest songs of the summer (yay alliteration!)…
Black Eyed Peas – Boom Boom Pow
In 2009, the band that once burned their studio to the ground in an attempt to make recording more intimate “returned” to the music world. Not to say they really left or took an “indefinite hiatus” bands have a habit of partaking in. They toured up through 2007, but then Fergie got smart and realized that, being hot and seductive, she could release an album without the other three awkward looking individuals and still sell six million albums. Meanwhile, will.i.am figured he could use his production expertise to do the same with his own solo album (epic fail). This left the other two (who only after researching this article to I find out their names are apl.de.ap and Taboo) to just kinda sit around like a kid who’s mom left him home alone for the first time without telling him. After anxiously waiting for the Peas to make new music so they could milk Fergie’s sex appeal and will.i.am’s production abilities, their wish finally came true with their newest album, The E.N.D.. For starters, why do bands name their album “The End” without having any plans to give up? Karma’s not something I’d fuck with in this case, especially when two of your band members would just be a monkey and a creepy tiny dude if they were to disband. Anyway, this album is fresh off of two solo albums, but now they’re back together and it’s time to send a message to everyone that they’re better than ever! Time to really show people how far you’ve come! What are the first words you wanna tell people on this album?
Gotta get that…gotta get that boom boom boom
Really? That’s the first message you wanna send to fans? What makes it even better is that through the course of the song, this phrase is uttered almost 30 times! What is a “boom boom boom” and why the fuck do you want one so damn badly?!?! Soon enough, we learn that will.i.am actually HAS the boom boom boom. So then why are you looking for it?!?! Fergie, can you help me out here? Please add some depth to this:
I’m so three thousand and eight, you’re so two thousand and late!
Umm…ok? Is this a rating system of some sort? A code perhaps? A year? Are you perhaps trying to tell me that you represent people 999 years in the future? Perhaps you’re a thousand units better in some way? O but it’s ok, because you too apparently have this “boom boom boom” thing people are looking for. Monkey man, any thoughts?
Y’all stuck on super A-shit, They’re no fast stupid a bit
Apparently we’ve abandoned sentence structure altogether? Black Oompa Loompa, save me:
I’m a beast when you turn me on into the future cybertron
It’s really sad when THAT phrase makes the most sense out of the whole song. And in case you needed more, Fergie takes the liberty of repeating her verse as if to try to force you to believe she’s not mentally retarded. No thanks, Stacy, I’ll keep my hands down.
I feel like their relationship's alot closer than we think...
The Ting Tings – That’s Not My Name
According to Katie White, lead singer of British band The Ting Tings, an anonymous group of people (referred to as “they”) has been known to call her by different names (8 to be exact). Some are specific and more wrong (i.e. Jane, Stacey, and my personal favorite, Joleisa), but some of them are simply names you would use because you don’t know a person (i.e. girl). Now chances are, if you’re so inclined as to write an entire song about this predicament, you’re probably at least a little annoyed but probably more pissed off that “they” keep getting your name wrong. Is this their fault? Absolutely not. Wanna know how you can remedy this situation? Just tell them your fucking name. If somebody called me by the wrong name, I’d probably correct them. Not to be a dick, but to simply make sure they have accurate information. But what benefit is there to being like “that’s not my name” and then refuse to provide the right one! Who enjoys being told they’re wrong if they’re not given the right answer?! Don’t even get me started on the fact that this song takes a page out of the Black Eyed Peas playbook and repeats the phrase 24 fucking times throughout the course of the song. 24 times! Without a hint as to what the correct name is! Yet a million people legally downloaded this fucking track! If I recorded myself saying something like “my name’s not Chris” 24 times and clapping, I’d get a million kicks to the nuts. They should add another member to this band (you’re not the White Stripes, kiddies), and preferably someone with more songwriting skill than Miss “Stuck in the Terrible Two’s phase.”
Wanted: Half a brain, and apparently another drum
Blame It – Jamie Foxx ft. T-Pain
One thing I was hoping out of this group of summer songs is that one would emulate one of our previous winners. So thank you Jamie Foxx, for enrolling in the Usher Raymond School of “Terrible Misogyny is OK Because It Has an Awesome Beat To It.” Remove the fact that this song has wayyyyyy too much Autotune in it. Jamie has taken the liberty of explaining to the audience exactly what he plans to do to this girl he has spent the entire night feeding drinks to like she was Mrs. Christian Slater. And let’s be clear, Jamie wants you to know EVERYTHING that’s going to be taking place. No room for imagination here. Let’s start with an innocent ass grab (accidental of course) and before you know it, he’s cleverly explaining that his seed will be in her mouth by night’s end. Despite this girls whorish nature (we learn she did have a boyfriend in the beginning of this night), I do have to give her credit for the amount and variety of alcohol this girl took to the face. Let’s check out the line:
– Grey Goose vodka drink
– Patron tequila drink
– Vodka (Brand unknown) drink
– Hennessey cognac drink
– Blue Tap (white tequila, blue curacao, pineapple juice) drink
– random shots with T-Pain
– Nuvo shot
Even if she only had one of each of these (although I’m guessing she had more), that’s enough to floor a small horse. And since I’m ruling out the idea that Mr. Moral Scruples isn’t going for girls above a certain weight limit (hey, even Steamin’ Willie Beaman has standards), this girl either pulled the trigger at some point in the night or is strung up like a damn marionette after they get back from the club and “kick it like Judo” (so eloquent). On the other side of the coin, is Jamie Foxx trying to kill her? Is it his thing to pour drinks down a girl’s throat, kill her, and THEN disrespect her? In the annuls of history, people “have blamed it on the alcohol” many times. And when our little harlot wakes up, wherever she wakes up, she can blame it on the alcohol too if she wants. But I’m pretty sure that alcohol won’t be wiping away those tears at Planned Parenthood or the clinic in a little while. Usher salutes you.
Blame it on my lack of a s-s-s-s-s-soul
