The movie Top Gun is an unforgettable piece of American cinema. Released in 1986 (same year as yours truly…coincidence? Not likely), the movie is a staple and cherished child of the 1980’s. The movie holds a special place in the hearts of most of those involved with this incredible decade (including yours truly). For those of you who have not seen this epic experience, GO SEE IT!! For God’s sake, it’s like a unicorn reproducing with an assault rifle! The script itself was created by some of Chuck Norris’ beard missed the garbage can when he trimmed it!! In fact, if you haven’t seen it, stop reading this article right now, go watch it and then come back. It’s filled with a star-studded cast and great flying sequences. However, one flaw exists in the movie. Not with the movie itself, but rather in one of its characters. The protagonist’s main rival in the flight school, Lt. Tom “Iceman” Kazansky (portrayed by Val Kilmer, aka the same guy who wrote poetry for Michelle Pfeiffer). Not only does Tom try wayyyyyy too hard to be good at volleyball and comebacks, but he is the reason for killing Goose (aka Maverick’s partner and premier wingman). First, let’s go back to his name: Tom Kazansky. Sound familiar? Doesn’t it sound a little too similar to Ted Kaczynski…the UNABOMBER!!!! Why would they purposely name a character so similar to the same man who mailed bombs to people from a log cabin in Montana?! Anyway, I’m digressing. Iceman is very competitive and a great pilot. Now I’m not knocking his competitive spirit. After all, I know I would love to be given the title of “Top Gun.” However, Val takes the phrase “I’d kill for it” a little too literally. In a critical match-up against Maverick, with whom he is tied in points, Iceman commits a few questionable moves in an attempt to gain the lead. Below is the dialogue between the two planes in the moments leading up to tragedy (commentary in italics):
Maverick: I see them. Right, two o’clock. I’m in.
Iceman: I’m in.
Maverick: That son of a bitch cut me off.
I’m not gonna fault Val for this little maneuver. This is a competition after all
Maverick: Come on. Jesus Christ. Ice, take the shot.
Goose: C’mon Ice, get the hell out of there.
Iceman: I can’t get the angle. I’m too close for missiles. I’m switching to guns
Is this amateur hour? You’re going for a missile lock, my friend.
Maverick: Ice, fire or clear!
Maverick: Christ, I can take a shot right here!
I get the strategy, but we are on the same team here guy. Enough is starting to be enough.
Iceman: I need another 20 seconds and then I’ve got him.
Maverick: I’m moving in. I’ve got the shot.
Goose: Come on, Mav. Let’s get in there.
Slider: Maverick’s getting impatient. Ice, take the shot.
Alright even YOUR partner is getting pissed off. So take the damn shot or get the hell out of the way!
Iceman: 10 more seconds. Then I’ve got him.
At this point, 15 seconds have passed since he announced “20 seconds” and I’m not feeling too confident with Val on this one
Goose: C’mon Ice. Get the hell out of there.
Maverick: Come off my right. I’m in.
Iceman: 5 more seconds.
Now it’s been 8 seconds since he claimed it’d be “10 seconds” totaling 23 seconds
Maverick: I’m in.
Iceman: I’m off. Shit.
At this point, Ice finally gets out after 30 seconds of dropping the ball. Bear in mind that this is 30 actual seconds, so who knows how long it’s been in movie time.
Goose: We’re in a jet wash. Shit!
Now a jet wash is the powerful gas expelled from a jet engine. They’re ridiculously powerful, and when Iceman finally gets out of the way, his jet wash blows out the flame in Maverick’s engine, which causes Maverick’s plane to enter a flat spin. When Maverick and Goose eject, Goose is propelled into the cockpit cover and subsequently snaps his neck. Afterwards, the incident is investigated and so is Maverick. While they decide that Maverick is not responsible, I still maintain that someone is responsible: Iceman. I mean, let’s look at the situation: in this moment, Val KILLmer allows his competitive nature to overtake him and tries to force the situation. Not only does he take a good 10 seconds longer than he claims to and at least 15 more seconds than he should’ve (doesn’t seem like a lot? Sit there and count it out loud), but he never had the shot in the first place. I don’t know if he’s ever had sex, but if everyone around you is screaming at you to pull out, you probably should. Hell, he switches to a gun lock when the object of the game is to obtain a MISSILE lock. “Missile” and “gun” are not the same thing!!! Who the hell does that?!?! And let’s not forget the overshadowing fact: in the end, they’re supposed to be on the same team!!! But God forbid Val gets this through his head. Instead, he pulls out too late and fucks Maverick and Goose to the point where Goose dies and everyone thinks Maverick did it (including Maverick himself). That’s what I would call a “dick move.” In fact, that’s pretty much the biggest dick move ever. As he says himself during his half-assed apology to Maverick, “Sorry about Goose. Everybody liked him.” Yes, EVERYBODY liked him. Goose stood for the perfect wingman. He’s fun, helps you get a chick, and he’s married so there’s no threat on that part. He’s the best friend everyone wanted to have. But in the end, Goose dies, Maverick goes crazy and Iceman wins the Top Gun award. Smooth move, Val. You CANNOT be my wingman anytime.
Murderer
