Some claims are epic, some…not so much…

Over the years, I’ve noticed that there are a few random quotes that college students (particularly freshmen) will use.  Usually, these claims are made as bragging tools or in an attempt to solidify their group as unbreakable and exactly how “tough” they are.  Chances are you will hear these words of unspeakable wisdom at whatever bar doesn’t check ID’s or at freshman pregame (however, if you’re at a freshman pregame and are not directly related to one, then you’re about as bad as the claims themselves).  Now, it is a universal constant that freshman want nothing more than for whomever they’re speaking with to know exactly how much booze they can handle (which, of course, is A WHOLE LOT BRO!).  Some of these claims you may find on bumper stickers on Facebook or in the margins of notebooks, but as you’ll soon see, these claims are not only dumb, they’re simply ridiculous.

My BAC is higher than my GPA!!!!

This one is my personal favorite.  I love nothing that a little math can’t solve, so let’s calculate your GPA assuming that your BAC could theoretically be higher without you falling into a coma.  And no, I don’t mean “passing out” and having your friends draw phalluses all over your body. I mean actual straight-up Terry Schiavo action.  If you took 5 courses (as most freshmen do), and got a D in every single one of them, then you’re GPA would be a crisp 1.0.  So now we have to sink even lower.  Remember:  your body stops responding at a BAC of .40.  In order to achieve this, one would need to fail 3 classes and receive a D in the other 2.  And that’s to reach the point of death!!  So as a result, in order to actually have your BAC higher than your GPA, you would need to fail every single class you took except for 1, which you would need to get a D in.  Although, if you reached this point, then chances are you shouldn’t be broadcasting this lovable piece of information.  Especially since you won’t be returning to school.  At least you can’t get rejected from community college!

I pregame harder than you party!!!

Ok this one just seems dangerous to me.  I mean, I’m not going to say that I’m John Belushi when it comes to kicking back booze, but my party can still be pretty ridiculous.  So when you make a claim that you pregame harder than that just seems irresponsible on your part.  In order to justify this to myself, I did come up with a scenario in which this may make sense.  Notice I did not say acceptable.  The situation would be if your pregame is also harder than YOUR actual “party,” not just mine.  If you pregame hard with your friends and then go to a random party and drink maybe a couple of extra Butterscotch wine coolers, then your claim holds about as much ground as Elian Gonzalez’s nationalization claim.  While it may be true, broski, you’ve made a disgrace of your assertation and should definitely cease to use it.  The belief is that your pregame is just that: your preparation for the game.  It’s your warm up.  And unless you’re Wade Boggs, I don’t see you making it the whole 9 innings.

Times we won’t remember with the friends we won’t forget

Another dangerous one for me.  I personally don’t enjoy forgetting what occurred the night before.  Call me crazy, but I actually enjoy remembering where I was, who I saw, and what I said.  It comes in handy when you run into that person the next day and they remind you of that “agreement” you made.  I’m glad that there are people in your life that you won’t forget.  I know I have those people, and I love them.  However, I also enjoy the company of said people, and I especially wouldn’t mind remembering the times I’ve had with them.  I suppose if you’re of a different opinion, that’s fine.  But think about this:  you go out with these friends, get drunk and black out.  Now, you wake up in a 35 year-old guys’ bed with your pants off and a whole new set of questions.  Yes, that would technically fall into the category of “times we won’t remember with the friends we won’t forget.”  And the only thing you got out of that one is maybe cab money and probably an STD.

All in all, children, please stop using these phrases.  They’re annoying, and chances are they’re just not true.  If they are true, then I feel sorry for you.  After all, you’re either failing out of school, causing irreversible damage to your body, pretending to cause irreversible damage to your body, or receiving a gift that probably keeps on giving.  And who wants to be that guy (or girl)?  Didn’t think so.  Just stick to screaming whatever year you’re in while “Don’t Stop Believing” is on and you’ll be fine.

WHOO!!! COLLEGE!!! NO PARENTS!!!!